“Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.”
–Billy Graham
“Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free.”
–Paul Tillich
“Either life entails courage, or it ceases to be life.”
–E. M. Forster
Living or working with other people might be the most difficult thing we ever do. Even a marriage can be hard work. And yet, if we wish to lead a meaningful life – or choose to rebuild the foundations of the American Republic – this is our core mission.
A spirited civil society is a central part of our American heritage. More than that, without dependable neighbors there can be no real safety or security. And, without trust nothing is dependable. These are prizes to be fought for and gained through consistent and determined effort.
Where do we start? How shall we navigate the inevitable bumps and bruises of working relationships?
When we become acquainted with someone who is emotionally mature and relatively open-minded it may not be hard to develop an understanding. If, however, we need to work with someone who suffers from anxiety or has wounds from the past, (or is convinced they already know everything), then building a constructive relationship will take time and labor.
This is almost always possible, if we have the patience and courage to persist, and if our circumstances allow us to proceed safely.
There are two basic requirements. The first is to get our thinking straight, to have a positive attitude and reasonable, clearly formed intentions. The second is to gain certain practical interpersonal skills. Both will be addressed in the book.
In any potentially sensitive interpersonal relationship it is wise to look beyond superficial impressions to recognize the free personhood and integrity of the other individual. New acquaintances may not seem attractive at first, or might seem more attractive than they deserve.
Each of us is a complex mystery. We can only come to genuinely know one another if we have the generosity of spirit to inquire and take interest. This can be a rich and meaningful experience.
Stephen Covey has written that “every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom…, the power to choose, to respond, to change.”
If we seek to build trust, and if we believe in freedom, all of these endowments must be recognized. Many of us are unaware of our own endowments, our own potential to grow and mature. And the surest way to learn and grow is in the effort to build functional relationships.
Many people will not share our vision or sense of purpose. They may not understand what we are inviting them to do, and may be distrustful until we prove ourselves. So, we need to communicate clearly, making sure we are understood, and find ways to work together. Such things take time and thoughtfulness.
We cannot wait for others to take the lead. The initiative must be ours. This is how we test our skills and put rubber to the road.
Elbert Hubbard said, “Responsibility is the price of freedom.” And Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
Understanding comes through relationship, and the best way to build strong relationships is to team up to meet community needs. While spending relaxed time offers the possibility for meaningful conversation, it is in working together to address felt-needs and resolve practical problems that we really come to know one another.
Now, suppose we need to join forces with people who are very different from us. Perhaps our politics are at odds, or someone has religious or philosophical views that we find strange, or we simply see reality very differently. How can we get along – and actually trust another in difficult or dangerous circumstances? We will touch on this briefly next week.
Again, I believe the bottom line is this: In every matter our concern must be to preserve and deepen the level of trust, because we can expect to remain under the pressures of disrupted lives, deteriorating social conditions, and the threat of violence for a long time.
We can do this. We are a resourceful people. And we will get better at it as we make the effort.
Tom
Next week: Living With Differences
“Anyone who fights for the future, lives in it today.”
–Ayn Rand
As we make our way forward through this long crisis, we can expect an erratic path to the future. The sequence of events will be unpredictable. Progress toward our ultimate goal will be diverted and delayed by repeated shocks and disruptions.
We must shore up our spirits and brace ourselves for frustrations. Sharing vision and purpose with others will steady our course – and our nerves.
Community spirit, and the success of communities in determining shared purpose and strategies for coping, will be critically important. This can only happen when we rise above our differences and come to understand and trust one another as friends, neighbors, and allies.
Readers are quite right to question how I can expect the intense antipathy and incivility current among the American people to allow us to actually sit down and attempt to understand and cooperate with one another.
You may think the idea impossible, even absurd. But, as I have tried to explain, we have no choice. Our failure to do this in good faith could result in the absolute loss of the American Republic and everything it stands for.
I think it interesting that our young people can commit themselves to discipline, teamwork, and decisive action in the armed forces – while the rest of us appear unwilling to exercise even basic civility, much less the generosity and loyalty that have characterized the American tradition.
It is not necessary to compromise our personal views and beliefs. The challenge is to be both self-confident and respectful as we engage with others to resolve local problems. This may require that we adjust our attitudes. Can we come to terms with one another as teammates and compatriots committed to the fundamental integrity of the nation?
No cohesive effort can be mounted, much less succeed, if we cannot get ourselves onto the same page. This is not possible if we cannot listen with understanding and communicate with civility.
The way we handle working relationships and resolve local problems will be the first stage in preparing for the future. A right attitude for dealing with an immediate crisis, as I suggested in an earlier post, will probably be the right attitude for working with one another to build a better future.
There will be confusion at times, and a failure to fully comprehend the nature of problems. Many of us are demoralized or under immense pressure. Those who have the presence of mind to engage in problem-solving will need to step forward to engage and pull people together.
Working with people can be one of the greatest tests in life. To assist readers in approaching the challenges of working with people – including those who are especially difficult to work with – the forthcoming book will offer supportive guidelines for a variety of conditions and circumstances. These will include:
1) Overcoming personal differences to build trusting personal relationships.
2) Facilitation of public meetings.
3) Group decision-making where differences of perspective or opinion are present.
4) Addressing conflict by means of an approach known as conflict transformation.
5) Working in groups to plan and execute projects.
I expect you are wondering what I mean by “conflict transformation”, mentioned in #4. This is a practical approach to conflict developed by John Paul Lederach and others. His book is The Little Book of Conflict Transformation.
Conflict transformation looks beyond resolution of the obvious issues on the surface of a conflict, to recognize and respond to the deeper factors that simmer below the surface – the roots of a conflict. It seeks first to understand and address perceptions and underlying causes; second, to reduce adversarial confrontation; and, third, to address the human needs relating to the conflict and to invite participation in finding constructive solutions.
I will try to give you a brief taste of my own thinking on building trust in personal relationships next week. Related commentary may appear in future blog posts, but to gain access to a range of practical tools and guidance you may purchase the book when it becomes available.
Tom
Next week: Building strong working relationships
Note to readers: A table of contents and several chapter drafts from the forthcoming book are posted on the blog site. See especially Chapter One: American Crucible and Chapter Six: The Ground of Freedom.
“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
“When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.”
–Stephen R. Covey
“God has given us two hands – one to receive with and the other to give with. We are not cisterns made for hoarding; we are channels made for sharing.”
–Billy Graham
“When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.”
–Charles Evans Hughes
“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”
–Yogi Berra
“It contributes greatly towards a man’s moral and intellectual health, to be brought into habits of companionship with individuals unlike himself, who care little for his pursuits, and whose sphere and abilities he must go out of himself to appreciate.”
–Nathaniel Hawthorne, Early American novelist
“You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking.”
–Henri J. M. Nouwen, Christian mystic
“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
–Thomas Jefferson
“I am afraid we must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.”
–George Bernard Shaw
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
–Albert Einstein
“Democracy is finding proximate solutions to insoluble problems.”
–Reinhold Niebuhr
“Society is always taken by surprise at any new example of common sense.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Existing economics is a theoretical system which floats in the air and which bears little relation to what happens in the real world. It has no subject matter. That’s the problem.”
–Ronald H. Coase, Nobel Prize in Economics
Liberty and the American Idea 